There is a phrase written by a man in 1844 who was soon to go to his death--quote, "I have a conscience void of offense towards God, and towards all men."
This quote haunts me daily. Maybe it's because of my age--nearly 54. Maybe it's because I once expected to die of cancer. But of greater concern, there are people I've offended, and I haven't yet made it right, and I have a duty as husband, father, and grandfather that still requires much work, and of course, there's my duty as a child of God.
I don't wish to address my work ethic. I've worked as hard as I physically, mentally, and emotionally could for 31 years to provide for my family. Sometimes I wonder if I'll drop dead on the hospital floor before I can finish rendering care to my patients.
But I do have concerns about a conscience void of offense toward my Heavenly Father. But, thanks to a relationship developed from hours, weeks, months, and years of prayer and commitment to him, I've come to know of his love for me. His infinite understanding, mercy, and kindness, and his investment in all of us children by the giving of his only begotten Son that we might repent, and thus be able to return to him. The many sins I do have--those that harrow up my soul, and make me exclaim, Oh wretched man that I am, are swallowed up in this hope, this gift that I have to repent and be made whole through my Savior Jesus Christ.
There are those sins that I can't do anything about. When I was a teen-ager I stole some money. 4 years later, after I'd gotten my act together, I researched the address of this individual and sent his company a check. It was returned. There was no way I could make amends. I find I must live by faith, relying on a Merciful Savior, for I don't know what more I can do.
My main concern is people. Each of us is an immortal person of infinite worth--children of Almighty God with endless potential and glory. I know there are many people, work associates, friends, and neighbors whom I have offended, and I'm not even aware of it. But I do remember many. I offended a young lady in high school. She was cute, pretty, and outgoing. She had everything going for her. For some reason she liked me. For this I was immensely grateful. We dated, but after a short while, due to peer pressure, I abruptly called it off. Her name was Peggy. 38 years have gone by. I haven't asked for forgiveness. I hope someday I can.
As I think of all the possibilities of offense throughout my life, it's interesting where my focus always ends. It's my own family, parents and siblings! Sad but true, I offended them more than anyone, and the member of my family that has bore the majority of offense is the person most dear to me on this earth--my wife. Why is that?
First the kids. I wasn't a perfect parent--far from it. The only thing I do know is that I put every bit of energy, along with my wife, mentally, physically, emotionally, monetarily, and so on into raising them. It was a team effort. If we compared our relationships with our children to a bank account, there would be many deposits, but also substantial withdrawals. However, thanks to children full of resilience and divine nature, they are fantastic.
Our youngest son, now 20, is giving two years of his life in the service of our Lord. Every day is spent serving and loving people and bringing them to Christ. I can't help but think of all the 20 year olds out there engaging in riotous behavior during spring break.
Our next son and our two daughters are all married with families. I marvel at each of them. They're devoted, loving, kind, thoughtful spouses. They're forever giving, hard working, and true individuals. My older son is full of Christ like qualities-- a devoted, loving husband and father. As I witness the nurture of my daughters to their children the only word that comes to mind is--divine. Their support to their husbands is inspiring. Their commitment, a blessing beyond measure. I know their husbands will understand the miracle they have at their sides far before I did. Truly, my children bring me more joy and gratitude than any other accomplishment of my life, except for my wife who I refer to as my eternal companion. I hope and pray my family can forgive me for my trespasses and offenses.
It is my precious wife that I've offended more than anyone. This month will be our 31st anniversary. There have been many ups and downs, hills and valleys. I remember how offended and bothered I was with much of her behavior during those first several years. Why was it so irritating? Why did I dwell on her so much? Was my behavior any better in her eyes? Of course not. If anything, my behavior was more offensive than hers, yet she was understanding and forgiving day after day, year after year.
If there is one thing I appreciate about this life, it's age. It's experience. I wish I could take what I know now, and have it available when I was first married. Now, this outward obsession I had with her is replaced with gratitude, appreciation, and admiration. The little things I held against her like not being a good house keeper simply weren't true. And if it was to an extent, she had 4 children to raise 24/7. But now, she's fantastic! The house is clean. Yes, the kids are gone, but she's great! What was I thinking? And, to make this observance of mine even worse, I don't remember any of the things she did that irritated me. Obviously they weren't significant.
Now she goes about her days putting her hopes and dreams on the back burner. For her, there is always someone else that could benefit from her wisdom--usually me. She's keenly aware of my needs, and helps me to an extent that she neglects herself. She works hard, helps tremendously with finances, and is and always has been a true disciple of Christ--never wavering, never faltering.
Is she such a person that I should hold offense against? Of course not. On the contrary, finally I recognize the blessing I have at my side. She is the greatest accomplishment of my life. Far outshining any career awards, and sports achievements, or anything else. I'm estatic to treat her with the utmost respect, to love her and cherish her. And finally, the crux of this blog, is that after all of these years I know of her understanding of me, her insight into who I am, and her forgiveness. It seems a little strange that she whom I've offended the most is the one that's forgiven me the most. I even tested her by asking if she could forgive me. She laughed. She didn't answer. Of course she's forgiven me.
So as for this blog, I pray for Heavenly Father's blessings to rain down on anyone who reads it, and wonders about their offenses towards God and man. If you have offended some one. Ponder about it for a while. Pray about it, and there will well up in your heart a knowledge of the offense you've committed, a love for that person, and a resolve not to do it again. I know, that through your Savior, you can make it all right.
So as for me, I feel--NEVER BETTER