My View of Life - Never Better!

Who Am I?

As a youth growing up in the mountains, valleys, and rivers of America's Northwest I found occasion with my friends to talk of future aspirations. I was frequently amazed. It seems all the others had a clear vision of what they would become when they grew up.

I hadn't a clue. I knew three things" I loved my family, I loved Jesus, and I loved the outdoors. I dreamed of fishing trips with my dad and brother; hiking trips and campouts. Sightseeing with all my family together, vacationing to areas that I'd never seen before, and primary lessons where I'd learn about Jesus.

At age nineteen I served a mission, representing Jesus Christ in the country of Chile, South America. Again I was impressed with my companions and missionary friends. One wanted to be a pilot and fly jets, another an anesthesiologist, and another a teacher of arts and sciences.

As for me, I knew I loved my family, Jesus, our beautiful mother earth, and my Heavenly Parents, and their children.

By age thirty I noticed my friends had done as they'd said, becoming doctors, teachers, and pilots. As for me, I'd gone to seven years of higher education and obtained three degrees, all of them undergraduate. I just couldn't figure it out.

Others became involved telling me I'd be a good grocery store manager, seminary teacher, or salesman. Indeed I was. I had been employed in these positions, but I wasn't happy. It wasn't me. But I was sensing I was getting closer. I had a card to play. My brother and sister were nurses, and my wife wanted to be a nurse. I had begun schooling in nursing as well and had obtained an LPN but had never sought nursing employment.

I uprooted my family and moved to Las Vegas, Nevada. I found employment as a nurse in a nursing home. I'd figured it out! I thoroughly enjoyed it. My enthusiasm must have radiated because the patients would line up for me to care for them. I frequently got employee of the month and the boss often said she wished she could clone me.

From there life became fulfilling. At age 40 I had an amazing wife, four children and was established in my career as a registered nurse. But something happens to nurses at about this point. Many experience burnout. I had worked as many as four different nursing jobs at a time in order to support and provide for my family. I had cashed in my vacation money to pay the bills. I was experiencing burnout.

I weighed my options. I couldn't make ends meet by switching careers. I would stay in nursing and I did like the ER. I kind of gravitated to the ER years earlier and it fit my personality and skill set. But try as I would my shifts became longer and longer and I began dreading going to work.

At age 42 I knew I needed to make a decision. Two years of studying it out in my mind would be enough to take my dilemma to my Father in Heaven. I explained my quandary which he already knew. I outlined all the growth I desired, all the while hoping it was in line with what he wanted me to become.

I wanted to be a better nurse. I wanted to love as he did. I wanted to be able to truly understand their concerns, and most of all I wanted to enjoy caring for them. I wanted to look forward to each day of work and run to the front door and begin my shift.

A few months went by and I didn't feel any answers. After another month I found that my feet were hurting. The pain became excruciating and I found I had to give up running and playing basketball and other sports. I wore boots to bed every night and was forced to lay flat on my back. This didn't help at all. The only change was now my left shoulder began hurting. The pain became so intense that I couldn't move it. Two months later the pain had moved to most of my joints. The only relief I could find was to lay, not moving on my bed, and moan.

Work became arduous. I now dreaded my shifts. Not because of burn-out so much but I was unsure if I could do it. I started the Ivs with one arm and did all the requirements of an RN, and I never missed a shift, but I knew the day was coming that I would be both physically and emotionally unable to care for the sick and injured. The burn-out that I once felt for work was now dread and near panic.

I was scheduled to see a rheumatologist. What would come first? Me giving up, or my appointment? I made it! I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and was started on powerful medication. Although it was a careful tedious process, it was a miracle. Little by little I began regaining my faculties. About two years later I was close to weaning off the steroids.

It was a great time in my life. I once thought I'd never play ball or run again but I was starting to think I might try it. I didn't dread work anymore, at least I wasn't concerned if I could finish the shift or not. I was ready to start evaluating the answer to my prayers.

But it wasn't to be. Even though I was keeping arthritis at bay with careful maintenance, I noticed a lump growing on my body. At age 46 I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer has a different feel to it. Now there's a possibility of death.

It took two weeks to get into the oncologist. The 14 days seemed to draw on forever. I pondered multiple questions over and over in my mind: How long do I have? How could I do this to my wife and children? Will they stay close to the Lord? Will they be okay financially, and on and on.

Surgery followed then radiation. As the effects of radiation set in I changed my mind and was quite sure cancer wouldn't kill me but the radiation would. Since the tumors were right behind my stomach, the radiation wreaked havoc causing me to throw up 24/7. I put up with it for three days trying to take all the nausea medicines that were offered to me.

I determined I'd have to see the oncologist or I was going to keel over dead. I asked him to let me try Zofran (Ondansetron.) He said he would but it probably wouldn't work. It was a miracle! It did help. I only threw up about 8 or 10 times a day after that. It made all the difference.

Even still I felt like I was constantly running a marathon. My heart and respiratory rate were always up, and I was always exhausted. Sometimes I would calculate if it was worth the effort to try and make it to the living room rather than just staying in bed.

When the radiation finished, numbness and tingling set in. It lasted for weeks. It was like a million fiery needles sticking me. When the tingling receded, the recuperating period began. One evening I tried running. I was used to running a seven-minute mile with no problem. I couldn't make it 100 yards. It took a year for me to feel like my strength had mostly returned.

But this time turned out to be very instrumental in the answer to my prayers. It was a time of reflection; a time of augmenting my understanding, and of spiritual growth. As I interacted with people I noticed I had deep understanding and empathy.

It hit me like a bolt of lightning. The Lord was tutoring me, carrying me, and building me all along. I had already worked through some of the reasons for my suffering but now I was internalizing to my heart and mind the answer to my prayer. I was reminded of a saying by CS Lewis.

Christ says,  "If you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in my hands, that is what you're in for. You have free will, and if you choose you can push me away. But if you do not push me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life. Whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs me, I will never rest. Nor will I let you rest until you are literally perfect. Until my Father can say without reservation that he is well pleased with you. As he said he was well pleased with me."

I found myself thrilled at the privilege to go to work. Excited for the opportunity to be a blessing in the lives of my patients, their families, and my co-workers. When I arrive to work, I run to the front door. My saying that I decided to use during my cancer therapy, (never better,) stuck. I use it all the time. Now if I don't say it, people wonder if something is wrong.

I've worked as a registered nurse for 32 years now. Burnout is not a concern anymore. I'm thrilled as ever to go to work. One may ask, "what made the difference? My answer is, "my Savior Jesus Christ."

All of us can view ourselves respectively as if we're Adam or Eve. Each of us is living our mortal probation. We all may feel as they did after the fall. All is lost, I have no hope, there is no forgiveness for me. Many of us want to hide our frailties and sins from the Lord.

But not so. Quickly coats of skins were made for Adam and Eve. This required the shedding of the blood of an animal. This is symbolic of blood Christ would shed so that he could literally cover us with his grace. In the hymn "I Stand All Amazed," it states that Jesus' grace so fully he proffers me which means to hand to me or cover me with.

He did suffer from arthritis and cancer with me. Looking back, I would not give up one moment of that time of suffering because my Savior was with me. Now I look back at his grace for me and cherish it. Beyond this, I would do almost anything to get it back, although I'd prefer to not have to experience the suffering again.

The growth that I was able to attain through the merits and mercy of my Savior I can now savor forever. With all my heart I'm grateful for his comforting, healing, forgiving power. Thank thee, my Savior, I love thee.